Sometimes, I think I have learned something oh-so incredibly deep and that I've had an amazing break through. Sometimes I think I've overcome and am so much stronger and wiser, that I have "conquered" a certain thing. Then in about three seconds God reminds me how GREAT HE IS and just how much that means I will always have to learn here.

I've been working on a song that for about a year I would work on, grow frustrated and then put aside. But I've continually come back to it over and over until......yeah, I finished it. (Now if only my vocals could be fine tuned/trained......looking forward to eternity.) One of the first lines I penned for it was "By my tears draw me in" and so that's kind of been the theme for me when writing this. I wanted it to be about coming from a place of in the midst of whatever this life does, that God is still my God. That in the midst of everything around me in this world might be screaming and breaking or enticing or flowing perfectly-that He is my everything. Thought I had a worship break through, thought I'd gone much deeper. Maybe I did, but God stepped it up a bit a few weeks ago.

A few weeks back several churches in our community had a yearly "Community Revival" where each church takes a night to lead services. One of our neighboring churches worship team asked my dad to play guitar with them. He was great. As the service was nearing closing I watched dad go up on stage again with the band for the last song. My mom came walking by and stopped to tell me my dad had a kidney stone that was moving like crasy and to be ready to go as soon as church was over. For me it was a bit like a fist to my heart/stomach. My dad has had several of these things and is a diabetic anyway, putting those together.....I hate seeing that. Anyway, I turned back to the stage expecting dad to probably just exit as quietly as he could. Instead I saw him stay up there and continue playing, I watched my dad work past his pain and glorify God through it. It was one of those moments when it hits you that God is who He is no matter what is going on around you, He is still worthy of praise weather we feel worthy, capable, or whatever, to give him praise.

Over the next few days I listened as my dad would lay in pain, watched a couple of times as my parents rushed to doctors and hospitals. I listened as my dad never once questioned, but simply called out to his Father. Mom told me that she had never seen my dad in this much pain-neither had I. I saw and heard my dad cry, I watched as several times it looked like he might pass out from the pain. My mom told me that my dad would cry out and such on the way to the doctors, then would begin to sing worship songs. Watching my dad go through all the added pain on top of the diabetes he has to work through every day was heart wrenching, "by my tears draw me in" took on a much deeper meaning. There's an hymn my dad and I love, Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus. Words so simple, but if they get to your soul and you sing them from there....it can change your life.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of His glory and grace.

The things of earth, like dads sickness, really did grow strangely dim when I turned my eyes upon my Savior. I don't know how exactly to describe it, I can't really say that it erases the pain or frustration, maybe it just puts it in the right perspective when you look past it to the vastness of God's greatness. Maybe it's that I've watched as sickness and I guess, though it's hard to say, the grave try to take a hold on my dad my entire life. Maybe it's that when the Father takes my tear stained face in His loving hands and gently turns it from the world to His eternal, conquering, amazing love that I can see that no matter what this life may do to my dads body it can never take His eternal one.

The things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.

going back.....

Soooo...I've got some exciting news that I've neglected to share until now. Don't ask how this has slipped from my mind as it is most often at the front of my mind often because I am just so.excited.I.don't.know.what.to.do! Well, almost don't know. Generally I actually just start grinning like a cheesy idiot.

OK, the big news is that I am going back to Guatemala! Yes, after over a year and a half since my all too short visit when we were finalizing the kiddos adoption I am going back to Guatemala. The funny thing is, I thought I wasn't going anywhere international mission related this year. The one trip I thought I would go on, I backed out of trying for. Everything else seemed to be doors closing in my face. After a lot of prayer, a lot of surrender and placing all the desires and such in God's hands, and a whole lot of learing to be still, God brought an amazing mission my way. A trip to an orphanage in Guatemala with my awesome friend Ellie and a bunch of people I am super ready to meet because I am hearing that they are quite awesome. I am very excited, nervous, freaked out, pumped, completely scarred out of my wits, etc, etc.

The thing that I'm most excited/nervous about is that last time I was there, was kind of a point of change in my life. I kind of went there with one mind set, and came back with a broken heart and tear washed mind where God began to work and make something new. That is all too simple of a way to say of my experiences there, but I'll share a bit more of it maybe later. I love what God has done with my life through the few days I spent in Guatemala, those times were a turning point in my life. But I'm also a bit nervous as you can see. I don't know what to expect out of this next visit. One thing I do know though, is that God is gonna be there. My Savior and His love and teaching and ways will be there if I'm willing to open my heart and eyes to find Him.