The lesson I learn the hard way every time.

There is one lesson that I somehow end up having to learn the hard way every time. And I learn it well the most difficult and painful ways over and over again. Sometimes it's called 'dying to yourself' or 'surrender' or 'letting go', to me it's the most frustrating thing in the world, and words don't quite describe it, only many tears and ridiculous prayers as I fight for control of things I can't control with God. Trust is not something that's ever come too naturally for me, and you would think if it was ever somewhat simple for me to trust, it would be with God. I mean, he's got it all under control no matter how crazy life gets and I know that, don't I? I could barely talk when I started singing songs about how he has the whole world in his hands, Jesus loves me and so on, shouldn't I trust him with all this by now? Still, I recently found myself once again fighting to hold on to things I simply can't. I struggle to let God hold the most precious and important things in my life, my family and friends.There are times like lately, when it's hard to say 'OK God, I'm letting You have control on this' because I don't really feel like being Christ like and loving to people I'd rather slap and be like 'what are you doing?!?' There's also the times when it comes to my parents, dad is diabetic, and my mom (although she's doing great, really no symptoms or anything) was diagnosed with m.s. about two years ago. God is the one who gives, he gave me awesome parents, and He takes away. I'm really afraid to trust my parents in the hands that could take them to a place I can't yet follow. So for me to just step back and let God have control and still love and praise him is a very hard thing to do sometimes.

As I try to take back everything I had let Him hold I find myself doing a really poor job of loving and taking care of things. Without God in my relationships and plans and dreams, what do I really have? No real love, hope or faith, after all God is the source of it all. I fight to take care of people who are in situations I can have some influence on at best. I struggle to show how to live by example, but what kind of example am I when I'm standing there trying to push Love aside, wanting to convince us all that I can handle it on my own? Then the beauty of breaking and falling apart and losing all of my 'control' comes. When I finally let my Saviour hold those most precious to me, all I have to do is take them to his arms in prayer and love them with the love I've already been given by Christ. One of my favorite worship songs says ' you give and take away, but my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name.' That song is also one of the hardest for me to sing but has become so meaningful and personal as I've learned to trust and worship God. The day mom was diagnosed, that's the first thing I heard God say to me, 'I want you to trust me and worship me.' Even in my mom's sickness, in people's disappointing decisions, in our pain, He is still God and worthy of our trust and praise. We live in an ever changing world and it's a fleeting life we lead, but our Father and his love will never change, the life he offers through Christ can never be taken from our souls no matter what happens here. My prayer eventually is always that God would take everything I have, because his strength is perfect and in him I know we are held close in the arms of Love.

Thanksgiving

Obviously I have to write about this awesome holiday. I spent Thanksgiving day with my family, and it was crazy! I have such a big family so there is so much chaos and way, way too much food. Being part of a big family can get a little awkward sometimes when you all get together for the first time since the last holiday, but after a bit you get past all the silly small talk and it's just...family. These holidays are a good reminder of how blessed I am to be surrounded by my crazy big family. No matter how far apart we might all live or lead different lives, we all love each other and I know would do anything to help one another.

I'm also part of different kind of family, God's family. Our church is really small, but a good reminder of the body of Christ and his love. Earlier this month we had a celebration of my younger siblings adoption into our family one year ago. Seeing how our church fam has 'adopted' them into it has been so amazing, I'm so thankful for them and how they have loved and influenced Will and Joji. To me, the adoption is in so many ways a metaphor of how God takes us out of being lost and homeless (spiritually) to belonging in his family forever. We are adopted by our Lord and eternally we can now say 'Father'. We are no longer alone, lost or abandoned, but instead are called 'children of God', we are wanted and treasured, the angels rejoice at our coming to the Saviour. We have more than we need through our Lord, more than enough to be thankful for, so rejoice in our Saviour and his love this holiday season. Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Craziness!!!!

These past few weeks, actually the past year, really seems like it has been so busy. I don't even realize or know how much I've done most of the time, kind of seems like everything and nothing at the same time. But I love it, I love seeing life going about and moving, I'm excited about how God is moving and taking me to new places (like visiting college today.) I'm trying to learn and listen to him and find which things he would have me spend my time and effort on, and learn how to say no to all the things the world would have me chasing after. Life is beautiful and a gift, no matter how stressful your day gets, remember to be thankful you've been blessed with it and the people you share it with.

And what ever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17

Footprints in the Snow

I remember going outside our house in the middle of winter when I was really young, and the snow being really deep, atleast for Arkansas. It was suposed to be my 'job' to feed the family dog, although I was the baby of the family for all my childhood years so it usually was done for me. Anyway, my Dad had gone out to the shop and all that morning before me, leaving big, spaced out footprints all the way to the shop. Even though I was so small, I tried as hard as I could to hop into each footprint, wanting to walk where Dad had so I wouldn't get the cold, wet snow all over my feet.
To me this is such a cute story of my fathers example, I've found his footprints often keep me from being hurt by the cold of life. Today I saw my little adopted brother carrying a little pocket size Bible around in his back pocket. My dad usually does this every day as he goes to work, and when I occasionally see it set down and can pick it up, the worn pages show the footsteps he's following. I'm so happy to see my little brother growing up to be so much like my dad. My father's steps aren't always perfect, but I know they are always striving closer and closer to Christ.

I have officially been an older sibling for one year.

Yes, it's been a whole year since my amazing brother and sister were brought home to the States and forever family. Sunday, November 9, was one year since we arrived back in the States from Guatemala. I never could have imagined how much their lives would change me, but I'm so grateful God placed these precious kids in my life. I know we saved them from poverty, but they saved me from poverty of a different kind. I had poor perspective, poor faith, and very poor compassion. Their coming here has made me step back and look at life in such a different light, or maybe just in the light finally. They are growing so fast, they make their little mistakes, drive me crazy sometimes, and all the normal stuff. But it's so amazing to hear little children go from being orphans themselves, to praying for all 'the little kids around the world who don't have mommy's and daddy's.' So, here's to one year with the little blessings, and many more.

Me, Myself, and...wait, what? Tripped again.

So I sat down at my computer a few moments ago, fully prepared and in the process of having a pity party for myself and eating lots of chocolate ice cream and watching an old Audrey Hepburn movie. I went to the YouTube channel of one of my favorite bands, wanting to be entertained and have things my way for a bit. See lately I've been slipping back into this rut, especially at night, where I hold grudges and get sad and stressed and think 'oh, poor me, someone hurt my feelings, they're so stupid, why are they so stupid? people expect things of me, if I want to go to college I have to work for it, I have to try in school and learn how to balance my time and priorities, blah blah blah.' The video I selected was of the band in Brazil, great right? I was thinking a tropical setting, lots of fun culture......no. Instead I saw the reality of what is daily life for so much of the world, I saw poverty, orphaned children, the things you don't want to see in the middle of a party all about yourself. Within the first few moments of seeing these images on my computer screen I was instantly taken back to China. I remember seeing blind orphans run about with joy and faith, singing worship songs, a little orphan girl giving me the gift she received just moments before in a party, little children who have received so little love, yet know how to give so well. Instantly I realize, this is not about me, self needs to go. It's not about how I feel all the time, too much I've let my emotions (or more often my lack of) guide my faith, and that is a very dangerous way to walk in your faith. I've come to realize that my faith should guide my emotions, and it should be a selfless faith. I am here to receive the love of Christ and reflect and show that to the world. It's not about me, who hurt my precious little feelings or made me mad or disappointed, it's about faith in God, hope in His plans, and the greatest of all, it's about love.

So, lately.....

This is just an update on what I've been doing lately, basically everything and nothing at the same time. Day to day it's mostly school, babysitting, home and church. I'm also trying to get my college plans worked out, oh the joy! High school has went by so fast, it doesn't seem like I should be going off to college so soon, it's not even a year away which feels crazy soon to me.

Tonight I tried to get Will and Joji to sleep all by myself, there were a few tears, a couple little 'talks', and an attempt to trick them into sleep by faking sleep myself. The end result? JoAna is with my mom and Will is with me (hopefully he falls asleep soon and I can sneak him back to his toddler bed).
I went shopping with a couple friends this weekend, I tried on a zillion shoes and had so much fun just hanging out with the girls and acting silly.
After church today I just stayed around the house for a bit with the fam, then went for a walk and took several pictures of all the fall scenery. It's so beautiful right now, all the leaves are changing and the weather is clear and perfect. Somehow the walk made my foot feel better, which is awesome since it's been feeling broken.

OK, that's all I can think of right now, it's been a really random blog, so 'bye.

Rachel