Christmas Blog!!!

It's Christmas in one day...... stop, yes.... ONE DAY! How crazy it that? 2008 has gone by so fast. I want to share a devo/excerpt from my journal after China. I shared this with my youth group on my day to lead a short devotion and prayer time on our mission trip. Yes, it does have something to do with Christmas.

I learned a lot about pride through going to China, something I never, ever thought I would have to learn about. But I found that I had a lot of self to get rid of before I was even close to becoming more like Christ.

the devo
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. -Philippians 2:5-7
When we focus on ourselves, we lose sight of Christ' love, faithfulness and glory etc. If we don't surrender this flesh from the inside out, it will block out our Savior and his love, it will never be real to us and how can we give what we have refused ourselves? When we don't die to this flesh, or sin nature, whatever you call it, our lives will never be what they were meant to be. This flesh causes sin, and sin keeps us from God. The challenge is this; can we let go of this life, and the temptations of it, and live after the life of Christ?

It's not easy to deny ourselves and chase after a life that's often beyond our understanding , but if we are going to follow after Christ one of the first steps in definitely humility.

Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off every thing that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning it's shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
-Hebrews 12:1-2

This Christmas, my prayer is to remember what this time of year really represents, our Savior and King humbling himself to come and live as a man, and die for our sins. If the perfect Son of God could humble himself that much out of love for a sinful and fallen people, is it so much for us to lay aside our desires and focus on his desires, to 'fix our eyes on Jesus'? As we close out this year and begin a new one, let's pray and open our hearts to Love, focus our eyes on Jesus and be his hands and feet. We give out so many material gifts this time of the year, but don't forget to give the lasting ones that money could never buy, return all those stressed out angry comments with kindness, skip over the gossip, toss that change in the Salvation Army bucket, pray and comfort those who will spend Christmas with one less loved one this year, and remember with thankfulness and humility how much joy and hope we have to share. God bless you and Merry Christmas!

I'm Alive

A few months ago I wrote a blog called 'Grief and Wonder'. The grief part is weird because I suddenly was hit by another small wave of that tonight. The loss I spoke of in that blog was of a dear friend who was an amazing person, and who is safely in the arms of Jesus now. I know she loves to sing and is probably now worshiping with her beautiful voice for this awesome time of year that represents Christ love that brought her to eternity in heaven.
It was a tragic accident, it still doesn't even seem as if it could be real at times because she was so full of life and always embracing it. Odd how often the people who most grasp how precious life here is are the ones who seem to see to little of it. I still don't understand why things like this happen, but I press on to know more He who does. I believe that He truly does work all things for the good of those who love Him, and yet will continue to see beauty through her short life I was blessed to be part of.
My whole point of this blog though, is that I'm still here. God has a reason for this jar of clay here, I have much to be doing and have received much love that I am supposed to be sharing with a desperate world. This life is just a breath, my friend embraced it and breathed so deeply what she was given. She touched so many peoples lives, she was one of the most caring people I have ever met. My desire and goal is to be a person so alive in body and soul, because this life is so short and how I live now can affect how I and others live out eternity. She lived a life that seemed to me to always reflect joy and love, she spent her few days here very much alive. Tonight I just asked God as I was thinking of her and crying for this loss, 'what?' The answer is: this life is about Love, and I'm alive. For those of us still looking forward to the day we see heaven, we still have a lot to do on this side.

Meeting Maggie

So, once again I'm taking this blog back to my China trip. While in Loyang, we went to an orphanage to spend time with the kids there and have a Christmas in July party with them. We spent our few days trying to just love on these kids, give them attention and time while doing 'special' things with them. We took the kids to eat at a KFC and play in the park, just take them out of the orphanage for a while. I'd been told the day before we went out to find two kids to be 'mine' to keep up with as we were out. I'd met a little girl named Maggie and decided I'd try to get to know her and to be one of my kids the next day. It didn't exactly go as I planned, she was pretty shy with me and I was starting to be afraid that I was totally scaring her so I just backed off, hoping someone else would choose her.
The next day we were about to leave and as everyone was taking their child's hands and I still didn't have anyone, the nanny standing nearby put two young girls hands in mine, to my surprise it was Maggie and her friend Abby. Spending the day with those two was so amazing, they taught me to count in Chinese, we laughed and took pictures together, though they rarely ever get to eat out they made sure they never took any food without giving me some. These girls were so awesome, fun and sweet.
Later, when we had been at the orphanage for a while and handed out the Christmas gifts, Maggie took my hand and led me outside to the roof top playground. Everyone else was inside and it was blazing hot out side in the muggy Chinese air. She motioned for me to bend down on her level, took out the little necklace she'd just been given as a Christmas gift, and put it around my neck. It was the best and most heart wrenching gift I've ever received.
For a week after I got home, I couldn't get her out of my mind or what she'd given me. I prayed and prayed about it trying to understand and figure out why this was on my mind constantly. I just felt like I was missing something. What did God want me to learn from this? I wanted a great, final epiphany, something big. As I talked it over and shared what had happened with a friend, she simply said maybe the point and reason was just that I needed to remember and think about what she did, what she gave. This child doesn't have many possessions, no parents, she doesn't even have a soft place to lay. Maggie is an orphan, but she gave to me. I'd come half way around the world to pour myself out and through one little gift I realised just how much I had to learn and that I have so far to go 'till I'm truly pouring my heart out for others. Maggie gave me more than a necklace, she showed me my purpose in this life.

Will

The first night we were in Guatemala, after the attorney, translator, and foster mother were gone we were finally left alone with the kids for the first time. As it began to get dark and the newness and excitement of the hotel room wore off, the kids became quite scared and were missing their foster family. I can't imagine how afraid they must have been. JoAna began to cry first, but let mom hold her and comfort her. I was holding Will, sitting on the bed where we had been watching TV. He had grown so quiet and still that I thought he was asleep, and I was trying to keep from ‘losing it’ as I listened to JoAna cry. When I looked down at the little guy in my arms, I saw a look on his tiny, young face that seemed to me much in pain, fear, and lost. He didn’t move at all, didn’t try to cuddle or cry on my shoulder, he just lay there silently with tears coming out of his closed eyes. He did this for quite a while as I held him and just prayed as best I could that God would help all of us. As JoAna finally fell asleep he began to cry softly, and as my mom took him and held him he cried out and let her hold him and comfort him.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. ~Psalm 147:3
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families....
~Psalm 68:5-6



As our hearts were all breaking, I think God was really opening our hearts to each other through it all and taking us to a new place in His love for us. Though their open, occasionally strong emotions sometimes annoy my more hidden feelings, I am learning so much from their honesty. I have become so much closer to my parents through the adoption and learned to cherish my family and it’s love so much more. God has used the kids to soften and open my heart so much more to allowing other people to love me and to truly love others.


The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all: he has compassion on all he has made.... Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.
~ Psalm 145:8-9,13-14

Christmas and the kids

It is the first day of December and I am having a pretty awesome day. My dad was playing Christmas songs on his guitar and singing this morning before work, it was an awesome way to start our day! I am sooo in the holiday spirit already, I feel like a little elf, already so giddy about the season. I even made Christmas cookies today, (maybe I should take some before and after pics of this holiday season, I'm pretty sure I could look quite different if things keep going like this! haha) Everything is already getting quite busy, Christmas program practices, family holiday trips (yay!!) and another wonderful ACT coming up and everything else. I'm so excited though, it's Christmas time, loving all the yummy foods and cheesy TV specials.
So, my little brother really loves our pastor and going to church and therefore likes to play 'church' sometimes and like he is the pastor. One day he was sitting up at the table while mom was cooking dinner and had his little Bible out 'preaching.' His message was something like this, 'We must obey God, we MUST obey God. So if mommy or daddy tells you to go lay down, but God says "get up and go play outside" you have to go play.' So clever already.
Joji is absolutely adorable, very.... spirited I suppose you could say, but kind off in her own little world a lot of the time. I call her butterfly cause she's so cute and kind of always all about and running around. She talks constantly and even if there aren't people around to listen she doesn't care, she just talks or as I caught her doing the other day, will pull off a shoe or find some random something she thinks will listen. Anyway, there's a bit about the kids.
Merry Christmas!!!

The lesson I learn the hard way every time.

There is one lesson that I somehow end up having to learn the hard way every time. And I learn it well the most difficult and painful ways over and over again. Sometimes it's called 'dying to yourself' or 'surrender' or 'letting go', to me it's the most frustrating thing in the world, and words don't quite describe it, only many tears and ridiculous prayers as I fight for control of things I can't control with God. Trust is not something that's ever come too naturally for me, and you would think if it was ever somewhat simple for me to trust, it would be with God. I mean, he's got it all under control no matter how crazy life gets and I know that, don't I? I could barely talk when I started singing songs about how he has the whole world in his hands, Jesus loves me and so on, shouldn't I trust him with all this by now? Still, I recently found myself once again fighting to hold on to things I simply can't. I struggle to let God hold the most precious and important things in my life, my family and friends.There are times like lately, when it's hard to say 'OK God, I'm letting You have control on this' because I don't really feel like being Christ like and loving to people I'd rather slap and be like 'what are you doing?!?' There's also the times when it comes to my parents, dad is diabetic, and my mom (although she's doing great, really no symptoms or anything) was diagnosed with m.s. about two years ago. God is the one who gives, he gave me awesome parents, and He takes away. I'm really afraid to trust my parents in the hands that could take them to a place I can't yet follow. So for me to just step back and let God have control and still love and praise him is a very hard thing to do sometimes.

As I try to take back everything I had let Him hold I find myself doing a really poor job of loving and taking care of things. Without God in my relationships and plans and dreams, what do I really have? No real love, hope or faith, after all God is the source of it all. I fight to take care of people who are in situations I can have some influence on at best. I struggle to show how to live by example, but what kind of example am I when I'm standing there trying to push Love aside, wanting to convince us all that I can handle it on my own? Then the beauty of breaking and falling apart and losing all of my 'control' comes. When I finally let my Saviour hold those most precious to me, all I have to do is take them to his arms in prayer and love them with the love I've already been given by Christ. One of my favorite worship songs says ' you give and take away, but my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name.' That song is also one of the hardest for me to sing but has become so meaningful and personal as I've learned to trust and worship God. The day mom was diagnosed, that's the first thing I heard God say to me, 'I want you to trust me and worship me.' Even in my mom's sickness, in people's disappointing decisions, in our pain, He is still God and worthy of our trust and praise. We live in an ever changing world and it's a fleeting life we lead, but our Father and his love will never change, the life he offers through Christ can never be taken from our souls no matter what happens here. My prayer eventually is always that God would take everything I have, because his strength is perfect and in him I know we are held close in the arms of Love.

Thanksgiving

Obviously I have to write about this awesome holiday. I spent Thanksgiving day with my family, and it was crazy! I have such a big family so there is so much chaos and way, way too much food. Being part of a big family can get a little awkward sometimes when you all get together for the first time since the last holiday, but after a bit you get past all the silly small talk and it's just...family. These holidays are a good reminder of how blessed I am to be surrounded by my crazy big family. No matter how far apart we might all live or lead different lives, we all love each other and I know would do anything to help one another.

I'm also part of different kind of family, God's family. Our church is really small, but a good reminder of the body of Christ and his love. Earlier this month we had a celebration of my younger siblings adoption into our family one year ago. Seeing how our church fam has 'adopted' them into it has been so amazing, I'm so thankful for them and how they have loved and influenced Will and Joji. To me, the adoption is in so many ways a metaphor of how God takes us out of being lost and homeless (spiritually) to belonging in his family forever. We are adopted by our Lord and eternally we can now say 'Father'. We are no longer alone, lost or abandoned, but instead are called 'children of God', we are wanted and treasured, the angels rejoice at our coming to the Saviour. We have more than we need through our Lord, more than enough to be thankful for, so rejoice in our Saviour and his love this holiday season. Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Craziness!!!!

These past few weeks, actually the past year, really seems like it has been so busy. I don't even realize or know how much I've done most of the time, kind of seems like everything and nothing at the same time. But I love it, I love seeing life going about and moving, I'm excited about how God is moving and taking me to new places (like visiting college today.) I'm trying to learn and listen to him and find which things he would have me spend my time and effort on, and learn how to say no to all the things the world would have me chasing after. Life is beautiful and a gift, no matter how stressful your day gets, remember to be thankful you've been blessed with it and the people you share it with.

And what ever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17

Footprints in the Snow

I remember going outside our house in the middle of winter when I was really young, and the snow being really deep, atleast for Arkansas. It was suposed to be my 'job' to feed the family dog, although I was the baby of the family for all my childhood years so it usually was done for me. Anyway, my Dad had gone out to the shop and all that morning before me, leaving big, spaced out footprints all the way to the shop. Even though I was so small, I tried as hard as I could to hop into each footprint, wanting to walk where Dad had so I wouldn't get the cold, wet snow all over my feet.
To me this is such a cute story of my fathers example, I've found his footprints often keep me from being hurt by the cold of life. Today I saw my little adopted brother carrying a little pocket size Bible around in his back pocket. My dad usually does this every day as he goes to work, and when I occasionally see it set down and can pick it up, the worn pages show the footsteps he's following. I'm so happy to see my little brother growing up to be so much like my dad. My father's steps aren't always perfect, but I know they are always striving closer and closer to Christ.

I have officially been an older sibling for one year.

Yes, it's been a whole year since my amazing brother and sister were brought home to the States and forever family. Sunday, November 9, was one year since we arrived back in the States from Guatemala. I never could have imagined how much their lives would change me, but I'm so grateful God placed these precious kids in my life. I know we saved them from poverty, but they saved me from poverty of a different kind. I had poor perspective, poor faith, and very poor compassion. Their coming here has made me step back and look at life in such a different light, or maybe just in the light finally. They are growing so fast, they make their little mistakes, drive me crazy sometimes, and all the normal stuff. But it's so amazing to hear little children go from being orphans themselves, to praying for all 'the little kids around the world who don't have mommy's and daddy's.' So, here's to one year with the little blessings, and many more.

Me, Myself, and...wait, what? Tripped again.

So I sat down at my computer a few moments ago, fully prepared and in the process of having a pity party for myself and eating lots of chocolate ice cream and watching an old Audrey Hepburn movie. I went to the YouTube channel of one of my favorite bands, wanting to be entertained and have things my way for a bit. See lately I've been slipping back into this rut, especially at night, where I hold grudges and get sad and stressed and think 'oh, poor me, someone hurt my feelings, they're so stupid, why are they so stupid? people expect things of me, if I want to go to college I have to work for it, I have to try in school and learn how to balance my time and priorities, blah blah blah.' The video I selected was of the band in Brazil, great right? I was thinking a tropical setting, lots of fun culture......no. Instead I saw the reality of what is daily life for so much of the world, I saw poverty, orphaned children, the things you don't want to see in the middle of a party all about yourself. Within the first few moments of seeing these images on my computer screen I was instantly taken back to China. I remember seeing blind orphans run about with joy and faith, singing worship songs, a little orphan girl giving me the gift she received just moments before in a party, little children who have received so little love, yet know how to give so well. Instantly I realize, this is not about me, self needs to go. It's not about how I feel all the time, too much I've let my emotions (or more often my lack of) guide my faith, and that is a very dangerous way to walk in your faith. I've come to realize that my faith should guide my emotions, and it should be a selfless faith. I am here to receive the love of Christ and reflect and show that to the world. It's not about me, who hurt my precious little feelings or made me mad or disappointed, it's about faith in God, hope in His plans, and the greatest of all, it's about love.

So, lately.....

This is just an update on what I've been doing lately, basically everything and nothing at the same time. Day to day it's mostly school, babysitting, home and church. I'm also trying to get my college plans worked out, oh the joy! High school has went by so fast, it doesn't seem like I should be going off to college so soon, it's not even a year away which feels crazy soon to me.

Tonight I tried to get Will and Joji to sleep all by myself, there were a few tears, a couple little 'talks', and an attempt to trick them into sleep by faking sleep myself. The end result? JoAna is with my mom and Will is with me (hopefully he falls asleep soon and I can sneak him back to his toddler bed).
I went shopping with a couple friends this weekend, I tried on a zillion shoes and had so much fun just hanging out with the girls and acting silly.
After church today I just stayed around the house for a bit with the fam, then went for a walk and took several pictures of all the fall scenery. It's so beautiful right now, all the leaves are changing and the weather is clear and perfect. Somehow the walk made my foot feel better, which is awesome since it's been feeling broken.

OK, that's all I can think of right now, it's been a really random blog, so 'bye.

Rachel

Grief and Wonder

Death. Ironically it's the opposite and a part of life. I've heard the nice things like how God just wants them home, they're in a better place, or they lived such a good life. We all have. But I've found it doesn't take away the pain, and it doesn't erase all my questions. Death, eternity, God, I have to accept it all in faith. I don't understand why God sometimes allows people to die, my mind can't grasp eternity, or how big the universe is. Through recent loss I've come to realize all over in a new way, to simply stand in awe of my Father. Even though I hurt and I ask my many questions, or I get angry and afraid, something in me keeps coming back to the throne of my Lord. Deep in my soul I know that I'm made for more than this life and what my human mind can comprehend. I'm in wonder at his love and forgiveness. That somehow in the midst of grief and my world seemingly falling apart that He is still the same God who created it all, that His love for us never wavers or changes no matter how our circumstances do. I get to a point where I have to just stop everything else and gaze at Him and all He is. He is the God who could have given back a mortal life, but chose to reward eternal life instead. The same arms that were nailed to a cross to save a life now hold it safely close, and I know it will never hurt or die again. He is the God who gives and takes away, even though it may hurt sometimes. I believe he catches each tear and will use it to fulfill and shape the life that He has given me 'till I'm the one who can go home to Him and those already there.

Held

When I used to think of orphans, I thought of little children who had been abandoned and were therefore very sad, shy, and maybe a bit bitter. That's very blunt, but it's what I thought. The first night we were there in China, we walked into a home for orphans and then a room full of special needs children. I was about to be surprised. Most of the kids came right to us, open arms and all smiles, ready to play and have fun with their new friends. We played for a while with the kids and were about to leave for dinner, but one little boy wanted to be held one more time. As I picked him up and held him, I thought about how if I could, I would have held him forever. I would have given anything to hold him and be there for him always. God gently spoke in that moment, as I held this boy, "that's how I feel about you." This child wanted and needed to be held. He had scars, he was an orphan and he didn't speak my language, the second he reached out his arms to me, nothing else mattered but holding him.
To many times we see our situations and pasts as too much and let it hold us back and shut us off from others. We become afraid, maybe bitter or prideful, we get discouraged. But the awesome thing is that if we reach out just like the little guy I met, God will reach down and pick us up, hold us, love us, and give the hope we need to get through. It doesn't matter if we're scarred, if we don't have the perfect words. We are never to fragile or to broken to be held by him who is waiting for us to reach out and accept him as Lord and Father. We've all been orphaned by all the mistakes and pain, but He is waiting for us to let Him into our souls and be the Father to us that He gave everything to be.

Where it all Began

A little over three weeks ago I boarded a plane and left for a two week mission to China. I was with a team through Shaohannah's Hope, we were there to see and help care for the orphans of China. I wasn't sure what to expect, what to do or hope to accomplish, I just knew that God wanted me there and that there were kids who needed someone.
My parents adopted kids from Guatemala. They're amazing. My mom and I went there to bring them home and finalize everything. It was a beautiful country from what I saw, but there was a lot of poverty like I'd never seen before. What I saw in Guatemala broke my heart. I was uncomfortable there, completely out of my sheltered, self-centered comfort zone. As we were driven through the streets of the city from the airport to our hotel, I wished I was anywhere but there, God spoke quietly to my heart in that moment and said, "Don't look away." A painful and vulnerable reality hit me there, that I need to see the pain in others and let my heart break for them. It's certainly easier and feels safer to turn away from the need in another life, and it's not always 'convenient' to take a moment and help another person. But we are meant to feel compassion, to let our hearts break and pour out the love we have inside.
That's where it started, taking my eyes off the floor of a vehicle and looking out the window into streets where there is poverty. It wasn't fun, like you think of a trip to a foreign country would be, but it was the spark that started something in my life. There are millions of kids all over the world who are orphans, there is poverty all around us if we would only take our eyes off the 'floors' in our lives and have the guts to see it, then do something about it.
So here I am, back in the States. I feel so different from when I left for China, and so much happened that I'm excited to tell about.