The lesson I learn the hard way every time.

There is one lesson that I somehow end up having to learn the hard way every time. And I learn it well the most difficult and painful ways over and over again. Sometimes it's called 'dying to yourself' or 'surrender' or 'letting go', to me it's the most frustrating thing in the world, and words don't quite describe it, only many tears and ridiculous prayers as I fight for control of things I can't control with God. Trust is not something that's ever come too naturally for me, and you would think if it was ever somewhat simple for me to trust, it would be with God. I mean, he's got it all under control no matter how crazy life gets and I know that, don't I? I could barely talk when I started singing songs about how he has the whole world in his hands, Jesus loves me and so on, shouldn't I trust him with all this by now? Still, I recently found myself once again fighting to hold on to things I simply can't. I struggle to let God hold the most precious and important things in my life, my family and friends.There are times like lately, when it's hard to say 'OK God, I'm letting You have control on this' because I don't really feel like being Christ like and loving to people I'd rather slap and be like 'what are you doing?!?' There's also the times when it comes to my parents, dad is diabetic, and my mom (although she's doing great, really no symptoms or anything) was diagnosed with m.s. about two years ago. God is the one who gives, he gave me awesome parents, and He takes away. I'm really afraid to trust my parents in the hands that could take them to a place I can't yet follow. So for me to just step back and let God have control and still love and praise him is a very hard thing to do sometimes.

As I try to take back everything I had let Him hold I find myself doing a really poor job of loving and taking care of things. Without God in my relationships and plans and dreams, what do I really have? No real love, hope or faith, after all God is the source of it all. I fight to take care of people who are in situations I can have some influence on at best. I struggle to show how to live by example, but what kind of example am I when I'm standing there trying to push Love aside, wanting to convince us all that I can handle it on my own? Then the beauty of breaking and falling apart and losing all of my 'control' comes. When I finally let my Saviour hold those most precious to me, all I have to do is take them to his arms in prayer and love them with the love I've already been given by Christ. One of my favorite worship songs says ' you give and take away, but my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name.' That song is also one of the hardest for me to sing but has become so meaningful and personal as I've learned to trust and worship God. The day mom was diagnosed, that's the first thing I heard God say to me, 'I want you to trust me and worship me.' Even in my mom's sickness, in people's disappointing decisions, in our pain, He is still God and worthy of our trust and praise. We live in an ever changing world and it's a fleeting life we lead, but our Father and his love will never change, the life he offers through Christ can never be taken from our souls no matter what happens here. My prayer eventually is always that God would take everything I have, because his strength is perfect and in him I know we are held close in the arms of Love.