My 'self' in a Fight

I talked to a friend (ahem, meaning Julee Hartmeyer! you should check out her blog 'Defending the Fatherless' cause it's basically GREAT) recently about going to do volunteer/mission work for the summer this year. I told her about my struggle with where I was supposed to be, and then I said one of those things that even though it's good, it sets a standard and you can't forget it. I said "I'd rather be wrestling and struggling through to find where God is leading than to not be doing anything," or something like that. Anyway, now as I'm struggling to focus my heart and thoughts on God's, those words are ringing in my mind, "I'd rather be wrestling with this" and I know I've got to stay in this battle against my own flesh that would have me living only for it's gratification.

I want to know God's heart, not just the appearance and emotions of knowing. I'd rather come to Christ knowing that the cross is the only thing that can rip this pride from me, and knowing it's going to be a painful, tough fight to wrestle that mindset away than to stumble on with all my self and pride between me and him. I want to die daily to this flesh, because one day this flesh and it's world will die, and I don't want to let this life that is so short cause my soul to miss what I was meant for. So that's what I'm going through, and in the grace and love of my Savior I will make it through. And it's only through him, who else could? I know I can't and never will be able to on my own.

Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love towards me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave. Psalm 86:11-13

Not that I have already obtained all of this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Philippians 3:12